Ups and Downs... No, just Ups!

i know i've been a little pathetic lately, okay kinda alot... i'd say for good reason but no really. its just been rough lately being so far away, missing out on things i was the one planning last year. plus it doesn't help my emotions are on total overdrive! ick! i've been really, really sick lately. a few dumb medical/pregnancy things that aren't a big deal but really left me feeling down. i'm finally past all that stuff and slowly starting to feel like a real person again. i've come to accept throwing up is just going to happen every day and i'll probably be that pregnant gal that is sick all the way through. yah i've thrown up on more side roads pregnant than drunk. awesome.

so let all this drag me deeper into hating life here or buck up and look around and know i am very lucky? i think we know where this is going... i thank God that i have a few very special people who haven't forgotten about me just because i moved. my mom obviously has been a HUGE help is pushing me through. i really don't know what i would do without her kinda knocking me in the head telling me hello daughter you're being a brat. stop. =) thanks ma. and of course i have some pretty awesome best friends, who i miss terribly. each who have very, very busy lives of their own. full time students, jobs, long distances relationships of their own and yet they make time for me. whether its that simple 10 mins catch up on their way home from work, those few texts on their lunch breaks, or even flowers! (miss susan, you big sweetheart!) not to mention i was able to actually have face time with miss nicole! she brought a little sunshine to wyoming with her :)

i have so much to make me smile and be thankful for...

--i have an amazing husband who works way too many hours a day but will still come home and help me spray paint another silly project i wanted to do. Or have to spend the evening skirting the trailer and wrapping heat tape to make sure i'm warm. Or randomly decided we need a date night, i can pick the movie.

--linelife is hard.... but because of this suffering now we have insurance! such a huge deal! our bills are quickly disappearing. we were able to go pick out our perfect new house uhm trailer. we know mike will always have a job, yes he gets laid off but a job always opens up. we're able to see places we would probably never have gone to, true you'll never catch me in wyoming again but still ;-)

--i'm pregnant! with all this being sick and upset i've really forgotten why i'm sick! we're having a baby... in 6 short months we'll be holding our little boy or girl. that's pretty amazing in itself. we took Rem to the park yesterday (we're lame dog parents) we were sitting on the swings talking about what kinda of parents we want to be and Mike just stopped and said how cool is it to finally have this conversation and know you're actually pregnant?! pretty cool i'd say :)

-- family! oh gosh i could sit and brag about my family to anyone.... there are ALOT of you to brag about!! i love all the relationships we have. i love when mike gets a chance to visit with his brother or when Christopher calls and we put him on speaker phone and waste an hour talking about nothing really. we really are proud of you buddy... all of my cousins! how fun is it to know our babies will be the ones playing and running around at the family reunions in a few years?!

i am happy. life is hard but hell who's life isn't?! i guess that's why we try to be there for each other. everyone needs that shoulder and helping hand some days... so thank you, dear friends for my helping hand.

pushing through.

alright after not going to yoga for a few reasons, overwhelming sickness, missing yoga mat, and just the fact i'm a little too blue to see people today.... i finally went. although it was the wrong class it felt SO incredibly good to see familiar faces. to have one lady come up and give me a hug and ask how have you been?! thank you i needed that...

truth is i'm not all that great right now. after feeling pumped up and finally social i decided okay casper what else do you have to offer me? i headed into a few craft stores to sign up for random classes. meh so i really don't care how to make cake flowers, oh well it'll give me a schedule and maybe meet some people! Oh you have to have 5 other people to sign up? awesome well thanks lady i know NO one in this damn town. sure i'll sign up and hope others decide to take it. right.

i'm tired of feeling so alone. if i get one more rude, resentful comment from a single mom i'm going to flip out! yes i am married, yes my pregnancy was planned. do you really want me to apoligize for it?! just because i have a husband who's excited for this doesn't mean its not hard. yes i won't have to swap holidays or go to parent teacher conferences alone. but what that means i'm not aloud to be apart of groups or be friends who other moms cause they're "single?" gee thanks. honestly mike has been great but yesterday as i was gaging over the sink because hamburger struck a nerve and he thought it was funny to say Cayla, really? you're still sick? thanks yes i am! pregnancy is pregnancy. i'm going to be raising babies just like you, our kids will most likely play on the same teams, some will even share classes... so i guess when my baby comes home from school crying because some other child was picking on him. i'll give that credit back to you. learn how to have some compassion ladies. all situations are different. i plan on teaching my baby that and being a role model to it.

this lifestyle isn't easy. it is actually really hard. i am thankful that i don't have to work and get to see mike everyday but i miss home. i miss my monday night gossip girl eating whatever food we can find in my apartment. i miss random coffee dates where we'd loose track of time. i miss movie nights where we'd have more people than chairs. i miss jam runs. i miss my family. i miss my friends. some days i really miss that life but this is my life now. i love it most days and those few rough days are when i need family and friends the most. i can't wait for the day i get to announce we're coming home! until than i'll be here supporting my husband in his journey and right now that's my most important job and i'm proud of it.