Monday, October 3, 2011

pushing through.

alright after not going to yoga for a few reasons, overwhelming sickness, missing yoga mat, and just the fact i'm a little too blue to see people today.... i finally went. although it was the wrong class it felt SO incredibly good to see familiar faces. to have one lady come up and give me a hug and ask how have you been?! thank you i needed that...

truth is i'm not all that great right now. after feeling pumped up and finally social i decided okay casper what else do you have to offer me? i headed into a few craft stores to sign up for random classes. meh so i really don't care how to make cake flowers, oh well it'll give me a schedule and maybe meet some people! Oh you have to have 5 other people to sign up? awesome well thanks lady i know NO one in this damn town. sure i'll sign up and hope others decide to take it. right.

i'm tired of feeling so alone. if i get one more rude, resentful comment from a single mom i'm going to flip out! yes i am married, yes my pregnancy was planned. do you really want me to apoligize for it?! just because i have a husband who's excited for this doesn't mean its not hard. yes i won't have to swap holidays or go to parent teacher conferences alone. but what that means i'm not aloud to be apart of groups or be friends who other moms cause they're "single?" gee thanks. honestly mike has been great but yesterday as i was gaging over the sink because hamburger struck a nerve and he thought it was funny to say Cayla, really? you're still sick? thanks yes i am! pregnancy is pregnancy. i'm going to be raising babies just like you, our kids will most likely play on the same teams, some will even share classes... so i guess when my baby comes home from school crying because some other child was picking on him. i'll give that credit back to you. learn how to have some compassion ladies. all situations are different. i plan on teaching my baby that and being a role model to it.

this lifestyle isn't easy. it is actually really hard. i am thankful that i don't have to work and get to see mike everyday but i miss home. i miss my monday night gossip girl eating whatever food we can find in my apartment. i miss random coffee dates where we'd loose track of time. i miss movie nights where we'd have more people than chairs. i miss jam runs. i miss my family. i miss my friends. some days i really miss that life but this is my life now. i love it most days and those few rough days are when i need family and friends the most. i can't wait for the day i get to announce we're coming home! until than i'll be here supporting my husband in his journey and right now that's my most important job and i'm proud of it.


  1. I like the new background! And you're more than right, having kids is not easy and no on gets to judge you for your own situation. Keep positive and keep your head up, I'll be right behind ya all the way, I love you tons.

  2. I know this was like two years ago and you were having preggo blues, but I just wanted to say that I still feel like that and I've lived in the same place for 10 years. The friends I made in college were mostly drinking buddies and didn't stick, or they moved away anyway. I made friends with some older ladies when I worked, but there weren't any I connected with that were close to my age. I have some really amazing friends, but they are scattered all over the country. I so miss just being able to call someone to hang out, or having a girlfriend to go to the mall or a movie with. And yeah, people who want to tell you how to be a parent (or pregnant woman) need to shove it. Everyone is different!